Thursday 22 October 2009

Don't worry everything will be fine with you

Take a pause and think for 2minutes, How many times have you used the above statement to reduce your friend’s distress, to relieve your mother from a worrying thought that she is occupied with, to console your classmate who fear of failing in examination, to sympathise with a colleague of yours who is on the verge of losing his job and you will come out with many such situations.
There are different ways and we can have our own style of comforting somebody who is undergoing some sort of emotional despair. But does that help him/her? It’s difficult to answer this question but at least we can make an attempt to understand the right ways to do so. Let’s think about few things that one should avoid while giving emotional support to a person who is undergoing any kind of despair and grief.
a) Don’t overdo it. Avoid any kind of show off i.e. don’t pretend to be disheartened to the extent of repeating “Oh! I am sorry, I feel sorry for what happened with you”. This will make the person annoyed rather than reducing his/her pain.
b) Avoid using sentences like, “don’t worry you will be fine”, “Just try to relax, I am sure things will be fine with you”. By using such sentences you are dismissing someone’s emotion and not addressing it properly. Such sentences do not lead to anywhere and do not even let the distressed person to vent out his/her emotion.
c) Avoid gossiping. Don’t make someone’s grief your topic of discussion. “How it happened, when it happened, where it happened”, all these can be discussed later. It doesn’t show your concern rather your curiosity.
d) Avoid being judgemental. “It must have happened because of your carelessness”, saying so you will give your judgement about the person and he/she would not like it. It will make the person reluctant to share any of his/her worries to you.

By following little few things we can extend our emotional support to a distressed person.
a) Be yourself. Try to behave as natural as possible and don’t pretend to be something which you are not. You will be liked and appreciated for what you are.
b) Address the emotion. Try to address the emotion by your active listening, facilitating the communication, and being with the person in true sense.
c) Open-ended question will help the person to vent out his emotions. Don’t feel uncomfortable in asking questions like “How do you feel about it, what is going on in your mind, How do you want to react to this situation”. You never know, these questions may bring out the underlying grief and despair of the person.
d) Practice some positive gestures. Don’t be hesitant if you see the distressed person wants a hug from you or want you to hold his/her hands. It helps him/her to release his/her suppressed pain in the form of cry, shouting which will be a great vent out for the person.
It’s not important for a friend of yours that how much time did you spend with him when he was undergoing a gloomy phase of life, what matters more is how did you spend your time with him. Remember emotion is not something which you can sort out quickly by saying few things like don’t worry, everything will be fine with you, which sounds very meaningful to you but may be equally meaningless for your friend. It needs your time, your quality time, it needs you to empathise and not just sympathise, in order to be addressed properly.
This is something which is of great importance not only in our personal life but is equally important when a Psychologist is counselling his client, a Doctor talking to his patient, a Marketing Professional trying to convince his customers, and also when a leader is addressing a crowd.

Thursday 8 October 2009

Aspiration VS Destiny

“ Jo insaan actual me chahta hai na, real mein, woh hi use milta hai”, yeah people u got it right , its the dialogue from the hindi movie "Jab we met" which I am sure many of would have watched. "Samay se pehle aur bhagya se jyada kisi ko kuch nhi milta", give yourself a second and ask yoursef , how many times have you used this saying either to console youself or to sympathise with ur closed ones.
So guys and gals there, try to brainstorm for sometime and discover for urself , which one of these u are more convinced with:- kareena's stated dialogue or the saying...or you are convinced with both of these? Writing this blog will be a help for me to come out of this dilemma and figure it out which one do I follow.
I had just got my result for my graduation and I wanted to go for my Post-Graduation. I got the call letter from B.H.U , Dept of psychology. My father had his own concern about leaving me alone in a city and that too in a hostel. So he wanted me to continue my study in patna only which I didn't want to happen at all. I was very rigid about it and my father was also very convinced about his opinion . I was very disappointed and kept on trying to make my father undersatnd that nothing will happen to me if I am alone on my own. He could see my grief which worked for me and after a lot of tussle he gave me the permission to take admission in B.H.U. In this case , still I dont know what was it...was it my bhagya or was it, ye maine actual me chaha tha, real me??Whatever it was , it was fruitful for me.
I have a cousin brother. I call him Bhutkun and he is Ram for his friends...before u start thinking anything about why he is Ram for his friends ....basically his name is Ram. This guy did all his primary education in a village called Awadhpur and that too in a school where students had to take their own mat to sit upon as there was no benches, where the teachers were not highy but hardly qualified and with may more limitations. This was the first time , he stepped out of his village and came to a city i.e Patna for his XIth admission. He finished his XIIth and enrolled himself for B.C.A in IGNOU. He enrolled for B.C.A. , but did he have a single clue what computer was all about, had he even seen a computer before this, could he manage to take up this course with his existing ability to communicate at that time?? No...Not at all...So he mustn't have continued with his B.C.A. Nevertheless he did continue with this and he met a guy, who was a great support for him. Bhutkun used to call him his guru. This guy (My apologies as I dont remember his name) facilitated him both technically and emotinally. Bhutkun still feels that arrival of this fellow was like onset of good fortune in his life. However , As on date, Ram is in Microsoft, Banglore, working as a Beta Engineer in Unified Communications. What I know bhutkun, I guess, he gives the credit to his destiny.(correct me please if I am wrong).
I feel many of us wish to b taken overy by our destiny several times and many of us just keep on striving & trying incessantly even if the things are not working out at all. It wouldn't be justified if we say which one is right and which one is wrong??Or should we give it an attempt which we do quite often actually in order to make things handy and convenient for us...Don't we??
Well there does not seem to be any bottomline to this , is there any ??if u find one ..Please tell me also. What I believe personally that everyone tries as per his/her best ability (mind it as per his/her ability and nt urs or mine ....) and if it doesn't work out , I leave it in SFGTD (Something for God to do) box...Believe me it helps and afterall God helps those who help themselves...well I don't say this..this is again a famous saying like "samay aur bhagya"which we all use to comfort ourselves and console others as well...and there is nuthing wrong in doing so...

I guess u must have done enough brainstorming by now if nt do it to find this out..inspite of kareena putting all her efforts (fled away, left her family....usne ye real me chaha tha na , actual me) to meet her boyfriend...but did it happen??...and Shahid kappor on the other hand liked her and just left things on his fate and it did worked out for him...didn't it?? Or was it the liberty of reel life (movie) that made it possible? Ya fir probably both kareena and shahid had eagerly, actually wanted it to b with each other...so it happened? Or could be it was just their fate?
Carry on guys ..u dont have much time and dont worry even if u dont come out with any result ..Probably its not the right time ("Samay se Pehle") for us to know this...definitely not for me at least..

Wednesday 7 October 2009

Inspired by bharti thats my soni di..

Well..how to begin with.....please dont start assuming that whatever i will be writing in this blog ,will be an inspiration from bharti...But Of course..taking efforts to write a blog after such a long time is happening only after didi sent me her blog link on orkut....
To start with, its something to do with "Sab Maya Hai". This statement has got a deep meaning underlying it, which I am not fully aware of , may be not even a bit of it.First I heard it from my elder brother, Ajay, when I was in class VIII. Then I started hearing it from my younger bro, nishant, in a bit modified form i.e "Sab Time Pass hai".
As I said I dont know the underlying meaning of these statments , but deep down inside my heart, I recognize their significance and keep taking their advantage whenever required/needed. I would like to mention such few incidents.

It was the final year of my postgraduation, and we all were worried about our career and stuff like that. By the Almighty's grace it didn't take me long to find something which I was looking for .I started working as a Psychologist with one of Psychological firms in Mumbai. So was I happy??..Not really....No dont take me wrong , I was very happy for what I was doing, but it was a very hectic schedule .There was nothing else left but going from house to office & office to house . At that time I really used to wish ,I want something where I can take up my job as a fun and not as a burden....and very soon this wish of mine was fulfilled. I came to this place last year July.Again by Almighty's grace I started working in a hospital with every sort of flexibility and liberty. No burden at all...no boss, no seniors, flexible hrs (choose ur own working days). So basically, I was completely relaxed and what I wished , I got that. I must be very satisfied..Was I? No, B'coz I was deprived of social life over here ...so what could i do with my flexible hrs and leisure time. What does it convey...you get something and u start looking for something else...So basically U end up becoming unhappy for something that u dont have and not just happy for getting something that u had wished for once... To wrap it up..as on today, I try to follow the "Sab Maya hai" or "Sab Time Pass hai"concept which help me to take life as it comes to me. Does it mean stop having dreams and desires?? U can/should dream and fight for your wishes and desires to be fulfilled, but not the extent of leaving youself with a sense of forever incompleteness, sadness, unsatisfaction...Take it easy folks..its all Time Pass. The sooner u learn it, the happier u would be...

So dont take your life too seriously..otherwise u wouldn't come out of it alive...and dont read this blog too seriously, otherwise u will be entangled with Maya and Time pass..

Will tell you another incident later..have to go now for another time pass ....